I finally felt peace.

13 Nov I finally felt peace.

FROM PASTOR MOLLY: Throughout our observance of the Advent season, we’ll be sharing some practices, reflections, and prayers to assist us in our endeavor to Look Up. Each Wednesday, different members of the Westwood community will share their personal reflections on the theme for the week to help lift our focus to God’s presence and promise.
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A REFLECTION BY VICTORIA STERN: If I’m being honest, our Advent theme Look Up didn’t resonate with me right away. It brought to mind years of churches teaching some variation of, “Just choose not to be depressed!” “If you love Jesus, you’ll never be overwhelmed, sad, scared, or discouraged.” “If you’re not happy it’s because you have a sin issue.” “Anxiety is simply a lack of faith.”
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I grew up with undiagnosed depression and this sounded to me like all of those pastors and preachers that reduced mental health to, “Don’t worry, be happy. WWJD? AmIright?” The voice of Resentment interpreted this statement to mean, “Just Look Up, it’s not that hard, you could have been doing this the whole time if you made better choices.” I know, that’s a lot to get from two words, but Resentment takes liberties. So, I reminded Resentment that I trust our church leaders and they have my best in mind and they probably don’t think any of those things. I pressed pause on all of those thoughts. I couldn’t totally turn them off, but I could ignore them a while.
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On Sunday, we received this week’s Advent Practice: When we start to feel overwhelmed, weary, or anxious, look for God’s glory in creation and thank him for these signs of his goodness. I liked the sound of this. I liked the idea of Looking Up while acknowledging, without judgement, the things that get in our way.
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All day yesterday, overwhelm was knocking on my door. While I worked, while I ate, while I rested. It was all I could do to ignore it. By the time I went to bed, it was on top of me. I tossed and turned, trying to wriggle away from the big scary feeling, but it wouldn’t go. I tried reasoning with it, but it wouldn’t budge. I told Marshal that I was feeling worried and could he tell me everything was going to be ok? He did, but it still didn’t feel ok.
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Then I remembered our Advent Practice. I pulled it up on my phone, laid back in bed and thought, God created my comfy comforter. God created the knowledge of man to be able to make it and my job to be able to buy it. God created the night sky. God created Marshal and his comforting words and ways. God created the dark. God created…And on and on. With everything I labeled as God’s creation, I felt gratitude for it being created. With each new piece of gratitude, I felt a bit lighter and a bit more sleepy until I finally felt peace and drifted off.
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Look Up isn’t a condemnation for all the ways I should have it together by now, it is a tool. Look Up walked me back from the edge of anxiety and straight into the arms of God.

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Victoria Stern has been attending Westwood Church for a year and a half. She’s enjoyed the varied voices of her peers after years in more conservative faith communities. Her love of the Bible is supported by her degree in Theology and hampered by her dyslexia. She lives in Beverlywood with her partner Marshal Rittenger and the reddest carpet you’ve ever seen.